In an intensely personal reflection, street lighting engineer Gary Thorne highlights how, and why, male engineers are at particular risk of suicide and mental crisis, and what we can all be doing to help.
It’s Monday night, 24 January 2024. I set my alarm for 4am, get myself comfortable and try and get a good night’s sleep.
3.58am, my eyes open, I reach across to my bedside table and turn my phone alarm off before it sounds, creep out of the bedroom and start my day.
Nothing unusual: shower, clean my teeth and then go downstairs to pack my lunch bag and laptop bag. But this morning was about to become anything but usual. I noticed on my phone that there was a Facebook message that had come through in the night.
I opened it and had to read it twice to get my head around what it said. ‘Just to let you know Gaz, Dean has taken his own life’. And just like that my day changed.
I didn’t believe it of course, I had to check. So I went onto Facebook and there it was; his wife had put it out for all to see. Dean Stead – my old colleague, my friend, one of the nicest blokes you could ever meet – had taken his own life.
I felt empty. Why?! His poor family. I’m stood in the middle of my living room, lost. Should I go to work, what do I do next? And then, as if from nowhere, my body was wracked with sobbing; I cried and cried hard.
‘COULD I HAVE DONE MORE?’
I last spoke to Dean in October 2023. The usual quick catch-up, nothing out of the ordinary. Did he say anything that might have hinted he was unhappy or in anguish? Should I have contacted him more often? Could I have done more?
All the stories about Dean were now emptying out. ‘Do you remember when…?’. ‘Can you remember when…?’. ‘Wasn’t he funny… wasn’t he great… wasn’t he the most reliable bloke ever?’. Each story made me fill up, each funny moment I remembered made me feel guilty for smiling or for it raising a chuckle within my body.
How do you process the fact that this soul, this person that you spent so many days/nights/weekends/fun times/arguments/and just plain boring working days with is now gone? No explanation, not through ill physical health, not through an accident, but because he couldn’t go on.
We will never know what was going through Dean’s head? We cannot know, no matter how hard we want to bring him back. But we can learn, we can take stock and move forward.
HOW TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE
How do we enact change, what can we do to make a difference, who has to listen to make things happen?
If you look at the statistics for male suicide, they are shocking. According to the Samaritans there were more than 4,000 male deaths by suicide in the UK in 2022, with men aged 50 to 54 most in danger.
At the same time, according to Mind, there are more than two million – yes you read that figure correctly – people desperately waiting for get help with mental health issues, with the demand for support having soared since the pandemic, at the same time as NHS mental health support has become ever-more difficult to access.
Moreover, not only is suicide the biggest killer of men aged under 50, it is a particular problem for construction and engineering. According to EqualEngineers, male construction workers are 3.7 times more likely to take their own life compared to the national average.
Engineering and technology in the UK remains a predominantly male profession, with men comprising over 89% of the workforce. Yet men are 3.5 times more likely than women to say they have self-harmed or considered taking their own lives. Fewer than a third (31%) of engineers say they feel included in the environment they work in, and less than a quarter admit they would feel comfortable discussing their challenges battling depression, or financial stress with colleagues or their superiors.
Just at a personal level, since my friend Dean and my colleague passed – so just this year – I have had to deal with six other instances of mental ill health or crisis within the workplace.
WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?
So, what can we do about this? Clearly, we are not health professionals – suicide is normally a complex, and complicated, cry for help that needs professional help, support and intervention. As the advice below makes clear, no one expects colleagues or managers to be able to jump in and replace the expertise of mental health professionals.
But there are things we can all do – both when it comes to looking after our own mental health and that of others around us.
First, we need to be prepared to talk about it, to normalise mental ill health in the same way we all do physical ill health, someone breaking a leg or suffering from a bad back, say. Men, we all know, are not great at opening up or talking about feelings or emotions, but that’s a barrier we need to try to break down.
We need to consider how we can come together, join forces, become one voice and state to the world ‘I am not happy about the state of men’s mental health!’. We need, too, to think about the language we use. ‘Man up’; ‘Big boys don’t cry’; ‘You have to be strong for the family’; ‘Stop being a Girl’ and there are plenty more.
We need to recognise it’s OK to feel vulnerable; it’s OK to ask for help. Nobody wants to see a fellow human go through hell because of money problems, relationship issues or any other problem that they may be experiencing.
As one man to hopefully many others within lighting, I just want to say, I cry, I am not always strong; I lean on those that love me, and allow others to lean on me. I am happy to say ‘I love you’, to give a big hug, to let you know I care, that I am not too proud to ask for help.
Second, it is vital to build mental health release down-time into your day, not to let the stresses and strains of work overwhelm you. For me, I play football, I go to the gym – and exercise can be a great release for mental health.
Whatever your mental health release – exercise, a hobby, down-time with the kids – make sure you prioritise it in your life, that it doesn’t end up being pushed out by work and day-to-day life ‘stuff’ until your mental health ‘bucket’ becomes empty.
Take care everyone, and always remember: however you’re feeling, your friends, family and colleagues want to help you.
Gary Thorne CEng is senior projects manager in the lighting industry, but this article is very much a personal perspective
- This is an abridged version of the article that appears in the July/August edition of Lighting Journal. Click on the link to the edition to read the full article.
WHERE TO GET HELP IF YOU’RE IN CRISIS
If you are feeling in mental crisis, please call 999 for the emergency services or The Samaritans on 116 123 (samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/).
Other support is available through SOS Silence of Suicide on 0808 115 1505 (sossilenceofsuicide.org/).
Mind offers support through 0300 123 3393 (mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/)
The male peer support group and suicide prevention charity Andy’s Man Club can also be found at andysmanclub.co.uk
HOW TO SUPPORT A COLLEAGUE IN CRISIS
As emphasised in Gary Thorne’s article, no one expects a work colleague or manager to have the skills or expertise to manage someone in mental health crisis
Therefore, if you are concerned that someone may be at risk of harm – or at risk of harming others – don’t hesitate to call 999 to get professional support fast.
However, if someone does not appear to be in immediate danger, there are ways you can help.
- Ask if they’re OK. This may sound obvious but simply being there for someone, being prepared to listen and even to broach the question ‘are you feeling suicidal?’ can help.
- Signpost them to someone who can help. This may be the Samaritans (and see their details above), a family member, their GP, a charity, or even, if you have one, your workplace counselling or employee assistance programme or mental health first aider. It is good to make sure that these details are readily available to signpost to.
- If you fee someone is at risk or potentially in danger, stay with them. Remove anything that could cause them, or others, harm. Try to stay calm and keep them calm. But be ready to call 999 if all else is failing.
- But also consider your safety and that of others. If you’re near a suicidal person, it can be important to maintain a good distance, especially if they’re armed, agitated or threatening violence. Wait for them to give you permission to approach. Never try to restrain someone who is threatening to jump or end their life in a violent manner, as you may be seriously injured or even killed yourself. When emergency workers arrive, step back and let them take charge of the situation. However, if you are the person to whom the suicidal co-worker has been talking, don’t leave the scene until you’re told to do so, as they may want to continue talking to you because they trust you.
- Recognise it may be traumatic for both yourself and others. Bear in mind, witnessing a colleague in crisis is likely to traumatic both for yourself and for other staff members. If a colleague has attempted suicide or, worse, taken their own life, you and/or your colleagues will need support, and potentially counselling, for this bereavement and the shock it has caused.
